


made for war, lady snake

by solopeanutbutter



Category: Not Another D&D Podcast (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Family, Siblings, Spoilers, covers canon from episode 1 to episode 90ish, i have a Lot of Feelings about egwene, this is sad!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:42:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26706193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solopeanutbutter/pseuds/solopeanutbutter
Summary: The end of the world, as told by Egwene Kindleaf. A character study alongside the canon events.
Relationships: Egwene Kindleaf & Erlin Kindleaf
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	made for war, lady snake

**Author's Note:**

> i didn't mean for this to be so long, or so sad. maybe i'll post a happy ending later? anyways, enjoy my story that is definitely not my projection on the only teenage girl in the campaign

Egwene Kindleaf was brave, but she never wanted to be.

Bravery was a burden forced upon her, a job she never applied for; two dead parents and a baby brother drove her to bravery. Her courage was a circus animal, prodded and whipped into a performance she always felt was fake. Egwene would never forget the day she got the news, how Captain Toegold looked at her with such pity, handing her their swords, which she gripped so tightly the carvings of leaves left indents in her skin. But she did not cry. Captain Toegold held her as if she were, rubbing her back and calling her strong, but Egwene did not cry. Her first act of bravery had been telling Erlin; she had to look him in the eyes, he was so small then, and she had to tell him that mom and dad weren’t coming home. Egwene was the one to hold Erlin as he cried, the one to lay in his bed every night for weeks because he had screaming nightmares when she was gone. 

But she never cried. Not where anyone could see her. Never in Erlin’s bed, when he could wake up and see that his big strong brave sister was just as scared as he was. Egwene’s greatest guilt was her tears, which tended to fall when she thought about things like how she couldn't go to a party with the other junior green knights because Erlin wouldn’t sleep when she wasn’t home, or how Nana would always forget to go to the market so she had to wake up early to get food for everyone. Her tears were selfish, and she hated them. 

Erlin eventually got over his nightmares, and grew into awkward teen boy years that required large amounts of privacy. Egwene didn’t really mind; at least, she didn’t think she minded. Falling asleep alone was quiet and cold, but she didn’t have to wake up in the dead of night to rock Erlin back to sleep when he cried out for their long-gone parents. Erlin didn’t tell her everything, but she didn’t want to know everything. Egwene could barely handle the boys her age. 

Handle wasn’t the best word for that, either. She went to school and she trained to be a green knight, and she was good, good enough to become the youngest green knight, and boys would watch her in awe and ask her to come get some food, come get a drink, maybe come to my place after? But Egwene never went. Have to watch my brother, she would say. Nana needs help with dinner. Fuck off, maybe? She didn’t think it was about her schedule, though. When she thought about going on dates, being with someone, being touched-- all of it made her sick. Egwene was not made for a place of peace. She was not meant to be with someone else. Above all, she did not want to be intimate. She couldn’t explain why. Egwene watched Erlin fall in love with his best friend, Beverly, and watched him swoon and sigh and blush and tried to feel those emotions… but she couldn’t. Egwene was made for fighting, for war and courage, for self-sacrifice and bitter truths. She was a snake. 

There were many times she couldn’t stop hating herself. There was a bitter feeling she couldn’t express, bile rising in the back of her throat when she thought about her selfish tears or her cold heart or her inability to show Erlin how much she cared about him. Every time she meant to say “I love you,” some insult would come out instead, and Erlin would roll his eyes and go to his room and Egwene felt a piece of her heart shrivel and die. What a cruel fate, to love quietly.

When Erlin came back from the Green Teen Jamboreen, she found it difficult to understand how much she missed him. There was a wholeness she discovered when she held him, and she didn’t know how it happened so fast, that her entire family could become so small and her heart allowed it. He told her about what happened, the dark moments of being lost, and she could not sleep for a week. Egwene would wake up in the night, sweat across her brow, and run to Erlin’s room just to see him there, see his chest rising and falling in sleep. Several mornings in a row she woke to Nana’s hand on her shoulder, having fallen asleep in Erlin’s doorway. 

One morning, with the sun barely above the horizon, Nana made her a cup of coffee and sat with her in the kitchen. The coffee was mostly water, but Egwene held it close to her chest and let it warm her.

“Child,” Nana said, rubbing a wrinkled finger over Egwene’s cheek. Egwene leaned into Nana’s touch gratefully. “You hold so much on your shoulders.”

Egwene wasn’t sure how she let someone learn so much about her. She didn’t know what to say, so she focused on feeling Nana’s gentle touch, and let herself feel unconditionally loved.

But the peace didn’t last. Egwene was made for war, and war found her. As she loosed arrows against Chosen Knights, people she had walked side by side with through Galaderon, she bitterly thought of her parents and their sacrifice, and she watched Thiala rise in the sky and realized they died for the wrong cause. She was reminded of her Green Knight ritual, her final lesson, and how every mortal would someday disappoint the world. No one was flawless, even legendary heroes, who let thousands die to protect themselves and had the nerve to take advantage of the fear they helped cultivate. 

This lesson humbled her, and she knew she couldn’t leave Erlin’s side again. They travelled to Hill Home together, but Erlin was restless. He wanted to travel and become strong, but Egwene couldn’t lose him. She couldn’t. 

It was a week later, when she was cleaning with Nana, when Erlin came to her, his hands small fists at his sides and his face determined. 

“I have to be a cleric. I have to help people. I have to leave and help people because I couldn’t help mom and dad.” Erlin’s voice shook as he spoke, and Egwene watched as a tear rolled down his freckled cheek. She thought of how their mom would kiss their cheeks and tell them their freckles were gifts from Pelor, a memory of his light on dark days. 

Egwene could see that Erlin would never give up on this, and she could not tie him to a chair and keep him safe forever.

“I’ll go with you,” she said, and she did. 

They left on a rainy day, waving to Nana and Mrs. Toegold as they took off on the airship with Red and Gunther, two older men who thought their adventuring days were behind them. They travelled around Bahumia, helping people, saving lives. Egwene had to admit that it was fun, and every night, when she saw Erlin laughing with Red in the torchlight, she knew he was right. This was what he was meant to do; she saw it when he healed the young girl injured in a goblin attack, when he cast holy light over Gunther to save him in battle, and when he laid in bed each night writing in his journal for Beverly. It was the happiest Egwene had seen her brother in a long time.

But, like everything else in her life, it didn’t last. Beverly came back, and he’d grown a lot since she’d seen him last. She would never admit it, but she cared about him too. Sure, Beverly was annoying most of the time, but Erlin loved him, and he always meant well. When he told Erlin about kissing another boy, Egwene was shocked. Beverly had always seemed so honest and kind-hearted, she couldn’t believe that he would do something so cruel, even if he didn’t mean to be. 

That day, she watched Erlin’s heart break.

“Erlin, you have to eat something,” she said as she knocked on his cabin door. He had locked himself in there since he got back on the boat.

“Go away, Egwene.” His voice was muffled, as if he was covering his face with a pillow. 

“You can’t heal people in Irondeep on an empty stomach. Besides, Gunther worked hard on this food. You know how upset he gets when we don’t eat what he makes.”

This made Erlin open the door. Egwene saw his eyes were red and his nose was pink, and she knew he had been crying as long as they’d been on the boat.

“Erlin,” she said, “I know what he did was wrong, but there’s nothing you can do about it. You know he meant it when he apologized.”

“I really don’t want to talk, Egwene.” Erlin rubbed his hand across his eyes, and Egwene felt her heart seize. 

“Then we don’t have to.” Egwene handed Erlin the sandwich Gunther had made, which she had already scanned for stray hairs. “But, as your older sister and your adventuring partner, I want you to be okay. Physically and emotionally.” 

Erlin nodded, but he wouldn’t meet Egwene’s eyes. She sighed and set the graphic scroll Beverly had given her on Erlin’s bunk, then made for the door. 

“Bev told me to give that to you. You can read it, or not, I don’t care. Just be ready to go when we dock.” Egwene looked at Erlin again, his downcast eyes and uneaten sandwich, and left the room, closing the door softly behind her. Erlin was a mess of emotions she had no idea how to deal with, but she knew that she had to keep an eye on him. 

Erlin seemed to improve when he was doing what he was good at; he ran from dwarf to dwarf, healing their wounds and examining for further damage. He was casting so many spells, Egwene swore she saw a halo of light around him that did not fade, even as he healed a dozen, two dozen people. She prayed quietly to Pelor, thanking him for letting Erlin be a cleric.

A week went by like this, with Egwene helping Red and Gunther fix burned homes and finding dwarves for Erlin to heal. Irondeep was a beautiful city, and while Egwene was partial to the open air and wooded forests, there was a quiet natural beauty to the caverns and magic of the mountain. Of course, it was the end of the world, so the beauty didn’t last. Chaos surrounded her as the monstrous Jubilex attacked, a beast far beyond the abilities of Egwene and her newly found family. It attacked with ruthless, mindless vengeance, and she cried out in pain when Gunther was destroyed by the creature. Another person she cared for, taken from her grasp. 

They defeated the beast, but it hardly felt like a victory. The tunnels and lights of Irondeep Egwene had felt momentarily comfortable in were tinged with the memory of Gunther, and the distant knowledge that the world was crashing down was not so distant.

At least Erlin is here, she thought, watching him reunite with Beverly. At least he is safe.

But he was taken too, and if it weren’t for the explosion that knocked her off her feet, slamming her into the ground and turning her vision black for one, two, three terrifying moments, Egwene would have torn her hair out and screamed. It was all too much. The tears in her eyes as she gasped for breath, feeling the heat of her scorched skin, were just as much from frustration as pain. She had already lost her parents, lost Gunther, and now Erlin had vanished and she was breathing in soot and it was all her fault, she let him do this, she let him be a hero but heroes always died… 

She sobbed into the dirt, in too much pain to move. Egwene was supposed to be a snake, but her coldness could only carry her so far. 

The rest of the day was a bitter blur; she escaped the collapsing mountain of Irondeep, without losing any more of her friends, but as she boarded the airship carrying survivors away, nothing in her life felt like a victory.

In Gladeholm, Egwene paced. She kept herself busy, tending to the wounded and keeping her mind off of Erlin’s plight. She had no idea where he and Beverly had gone, and not knowing anything ate at her slowly, a silent parasite that consumed every fiber of hope she had left. She thought that would be the worst thing, but she was wrong. The worst thing was seeing Beverly come back to Gladeholm, and not seeing Erlin with him. 

Egwene felt herself remember Captain Toegold and the cold metal of her parents’ swords as Beverly explained what happened, and like that day, she did not cry. There was a hollowness in her chest that made it impossible to; the parasite had taken everything away, and there were no tears to summon, only cold nothingness. 

She heard herself comfort Beverly, but found that as she embraced him, it was Erlin she felt in her arms. This was the worst thing. 

But Egwene couldn’t let her sadness overwhelm her. She never had; she was heartless, she was cold. She was made for war, and war could never be won, it could only take and take and devour everything and everyone until it collapsed itself, an unending circle of self-destruction. 

She was a snake.

**Author's Note:**

> i relate to egwene a Lot, and she's so beautifully portrayed by murph. hope you liked!


End file.
